This is about Hannah Steele, a student in a journalism college who has to go to Black Enterprises to ask some questions about millionaire Christian Black for her anything-but-sober-and-skinny house sharer. Surprise, surprise. Not only is Hannah different than her friend in every way, but Christian Black just offends everyone and plays hard, stealing for a living yet never getting in trouble with the police. Despite Hannah not that comfortable when they first meet after his receptionist mouth-rapes her and she charges through a locked door which wasn't really locked. After she meets him though, Hannah can't stop thinking about the idea of his dick in her mouth and imagining all the places he could take her around the world, and her housemate is pretty into Christian's brobro Ellai. The thing is, how far their relationship will go is the question.
You want to know one of the main reasons why I enjoyed the critically panned Scary Movie 5? Because even if it does borrow and spoof lots of films, notably Mama, it has a few story ideas to justify as its own thing, and with protagonists who are likeable enough to not joke about everything but rather be frightened or wince once in a while, and it doesn't borrow lines straight from other movies. Now, if this is Marlon Wayans's style, I'm sorry, I'm new to this guy. But look! When Wayans recites the scene of Grey jogging on the street but actually in this version stealing a lady's purse, a tie, and a cool car, I was surprised and thought, "Okay, this is an interesting way to spoof the original movie." But it's when Wayans starts talking to Hannah in the interview scene where I said, "Oh no." Guess what Wayans says? He criticizes Hannah's outdated wardrobe and wide-nostril nose. Hannah then asks how he became rich, and he says how most black people get rich. Hannah asks "Real estate?" He replies, "Drug dealing." Both statements outright horrified me and I realized the agony I was going to have to bear. I have seen a lot of films and read a lot of books lately where skin colour is not important or brought up in any judgmental way; even the movie How to be Single had this admirable element. So what was I hoping for upon starting this movie, you ask? Well, I had low expectations, but I was hoping for...actually, what was I hoping for? I guess what I wasn't hoping for was for it to put an emphasis on the last word in its title. But not only is it the surefire emphasis, I think it gives every human being on the planet a bad name. Okay, now here's something I was hoping for, and I realized these elements after I saw the film. Hannah's housemate never shuts up when she's around and just wants to drink till she sinks, and there wasn't one moment where I didn't want her to go away. I feel like if she had some subtle moments, like times where she was drunk and a little comatose during her rants, perhaps walking around crashing into things, then it would've been more funny. One thing I don't like often is when someone screams in another person's ear for five minutes trying to make us laugh. And these subtle moments I hoped for could've maybe, and this is a big big maybe, saved this movie.
Here's what I mean. One scene I will admit to have enjoyed was when Wayans pops out of a laundry basket, and not soon after there's a funny rendition of the ice cube scene. Why was it funny? Because it had an original setting and way of having the ice. And anyway, the reason I could enjoy the laundry basket thing was it gave us a small break from the humour. Remember the last Transformers movie? I remember I couldn't get through it, not just because I'd just watched another movie but because there were so MANY action scenes. In Fifty Shades of Black, you get a joke but the joke is never allowed to linger, or the next joke isn't allowed to surprise you. You expect it to come and it comes. If you're going to gross and offend people, try to surprise them with it next time.
Another thing that disappointed me was Jesse, I mean Jacob, I mean Jose, I mean...you know who I mean, except yeah. Same skin colour as the stars. He's on Hannah from the start and makes these innuendos which he then hides under what sounds like a regular greeting, something I would've laughed at if not for the previous race references. Then Wayans arrives and takes Hannah home, but fights Jesse for it first. Okay, not only does the way the fight go down not make sense, especially after what we saw of Christian Black's thefts, but I found there to be no difference between Jesse and Christian, so essentially Hannah has always been in love with one person and chose Christian for either the money or the absence of Jesse's moustache or both. It's never made clear and makes Hannah look blind. Jesse could've also been in the movie more, maybe have had a side story? Look, even in Scary Movie 5, the characters took a breather and thought things over. Also, imagine if that J vs C fight scene went differently, maybe a cowboy brawl, maybe an actual fist fight. That would've rocked. Something other than ridiculous comedy. Ridiculous comedy is as fine as any other genre, but just like Daughter of Smoke and Bone has too much fantasy, this movie has too much errotica. We get it, Marlon Wayans saw a lot of opportunities to twist the original story. I did too.
And this is just one of the movie's story flaws. Now, the movie does an excellent job of replicating the entire set of its preposterous predecessor and does some twists and turns such as the infamous spanking scenes, but they don't really give explanation as to how they could be possible. There is a slap that doesn't hurt Hannah, and another slap that does, and the difference between these two events is they either should've been backwards, should've stuck with one decision for stamina of butt muscles, or just shouldn't have been in at all. Another form of proof this movie doesn't care about making an original story is there isn't emphasis on Marlon Wayans's thefts. We're expected to believe what he says; "He's black, he drug deals, he makes a living, end of story," and then pass it off. And I'm not usually a guy who criticizes a movie if lawbreakers don't get their punishments but you can't expect me to believe he wasn't permitted to have sex with his music teacher and that I should forgive him for stealing an elder's purse because of this. He's too busy cracking jokes to be a believable character. But if you like this sort of "humour", you might love it, because it's bloated with it.
You know, there's actually one thing that is kind of original, and it's a flashback where Wayans copies off a scene in Whiplash. But it's when there's the inevitable skin reference where its originality is once again ruined. Basically, anything that differs from the source material is a chance to make fun of blacks the same way Nicole Arbour made fun of fat people. Dark-skinned people can count, and they can go more than two minutes without yelling, but you wouldn't know that from this film. With all the references, it's kind of hard to imagine who would absolutely love this movie, and if a group with a variety of colours could stomach watching it ensemble. I certainly couldn't stomach it.
Look, in the end, while there were a few moments of comedy that get past the checkpoint, and there are some original means of raunch, I never actually opened my mouth to laugh, and not only was that the case, but the way it copies the sets and only some of the storyline of a movie I already hated as an excuse for a story, and the terms it uses to make fun of poverty and the way it feels like all blacks are drug dealers or they fit the bill for them...Look, I could never appreciate anything due to the unimaginative lows this movie goes to and I have to put this movie on a list of movies that are completely ruined by one thing but could otherwise have garnered more than an F. And I don't give many F's at all and if this movie did the things I said, I might've maybe recommended this the guilty-pleasure way I did for Scary Movie 5, but alas...I feel like if I give this movie anything higher, I'll never forgive myself.